Today in news from the Möbius strip: Lindsay Lohan avoids jail, ordered back to rehab

Fortune smiled upon Lindsay Lohan today as the judge at her probation violation hearing allowed her to avoid going back to jail and instead return to rehab, this time until at least January 3. The judge specifically mandated that she stay there until after the New Year—which is a shame, because New Year’s Eve is pretty much a coke bacchanal if you’re into that sort of thing. It's, like, the New Year's Eve of doing coke. Anyway, the judge definitely knows that, saying, “You are an addict. I hope you understand that. I don’t want another train wreck.” Lohan nodded, started crying, exited the courtroom, Dina and Michael Lohan rushed out to the cameras on the courthouse steps to make their respective statements about how strong Lindsay is or whatever, and this whole temporal loop reset itself for replay in a few months.