Tom Hanks will get another Oscar nomination, even if he has to be kidnapped by Somali pirates to do it

It’s been a few years since anyone gave Tom Hanks an Oscar, and it’s become increasingly evident that his normally affable exterior is just a front for a rapacious junkie’s hunger for just one more fix, man, just a quick mainline of acclaim so he can push off for a little while and dream. Thus it seems like Hanks is stacking the odds in his favor: He’s currently filming a role in the incredibly Oscar bait-y Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close, has another one coming up in Kathryn Bigelow’s Triple Frontier, and today it’s been reported that he’s signed on to A Captain’s Duty for The Social Network’s producing team of Scott Rudin, Michael De Luca, Dana Brunetti, and Kevin Spacey, who all seemingly decided that if the Academy likes its real-life tales to be a little more uplifting, then uplift is what it’s gonna get, motherfuckers. Duty is the true story of Captain Richard Phillips, who heroically gave himself up as a hostage to Somali pirates in 2009 in exchange for the safety of his crew, then spent three days as their captive before Navy SEALs rescued him. So yeah, just try not to nominate that. Daddy’s getting fed.