Newly platinum-haired Krista Allen faces a dilemma in Totally Blonde. Wealthy club owner and old-fashioned pop singer Michael Buble is crazy about her, but she'd rather keep him as a friend and hook up with her old high-school classmate Brody Hutzler, a buff beach dude and successful wake-board manufacturer. It's a tough choice: the rich handsome guy with the good body, or the rich handsome guy with the sweet voice? While she dithers, her best friend Maeve Quinlan makes a play for Buble, forcing Allen's hand and instigating a romantic crisis that's surprising only inasmuch as it has nothing to do with what Totally Blonde starts off being about. Writer, director, producer, and composer Andrew Van Slee pitches his movie as the story of an unlucky-in-love brunette who dyes her hair and changes her life. And though Allen definitely embarks on an adventure after soaking her head in peroxide, nothing that happens to her derives directly from her color change. Van Slee is a competent filmmaker–he moves the camera well and coaxes lively, if shallow, performances from his cast–but his movie has the style and editing rhythm of an '80s sex comedy, and his sense of humor is even staler. Totally Blonde makes brief, weak stabs at spoofing Seinfeld, ER, and Titanic, and is padded out by neo-swing musical numbers and a series of cameo appearances by Whose Line Is It Anyway star Colin Mochrie. The rest of the jokes revolve around double-entendre uses of the words "wiener" and "teeny-weeny," a string of bit players doing wacky accents, and lines of dialogue like "I was just running around getting orgasm… I mean, organized!" For a movie that wants to comment on the perils of superficiality, Totally Blonde relies way too much on snotty French waiters, mixed-up Asian doctors, rude desk clerks, and mopey gay fast-food employees who respond to rough customer relations by asking for a "group hug." In Van Slee's world, it's wrong to ignore someone because of her hair color, but it's apparently okay to skewer people who have to work for a living.