Trophy Wife returns, as it should, with a celebration of BERT!

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Tuesday, March 4. All times are Eastern.

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Trophy Wife (ABC, 9:30 p.m.): And so it was said that on the fourth day of March that a savior would rise to deliver television from a post-Olympics, post-Oscars lull, and that savior would be BERT! And so we mark the occasion of his birthday (or BERT! Day, if you will) with much rejoicing and laughter and a round of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”—for even BERT! isn’t a worthy enough cause to refill the coffers of those greedy spinsters Mildred and Patty Hill. Not on Brandon Nowalk’s watch.

Marvel’s Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC, 8 p.m.): Telling Bill Pullman From Bill Paxton, part 298 in a continuing series: Bill Pullman once traveled the galaxy in a flying RV, accompanied by a shaggy companion named Barf. Tonight, Bill Paxton can be seen consorting with the crew of a flying “Bus” on this shaggy little show that now makes Oliver Sava want to barf less than it did a few months ago.

The Originals (The CW, 8 p.m.): As long as we’re settling back into the Tuesday-night routine (which is due for another disruption when April rolls around and works through the last few midseason replacements), here’s another reminder that Rowan Kaiser’s Originals reviews may not be part of that routine for much longer. Tell your friends, shoot some URLs around—maybe see if BERT! can be of some assistance.

Cougar Town (TBS, 10 p.m.): We’re going to continue featuring this show here, too, just to make sure that you know Les Chappell is still reviewing it. Until Cougar Town muse Tom Petty takes up the cause, that is—at that point, we’ll know our work here is done.

Glee (Fox, 8 p.m.)
Supernatural (The CW, 9 p.m.)
New Girl (Fox, 9 p.m.)
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Fox, 9:30 p.m.)
Person Of Interest (CBS, 10 p.m.)
Kroll Show (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.)
Justified (FX, 10 p.m.)

He’d probably think a second season of Trophy Wife is pretty neat. Failing that, what about the Lego Death Star?

A story of two cable outlets looking to expand their comedy brands: After ponying up for that Modern Family syndication package, USA hedges that bet with its first original comedy, Sirens. Over on FX, Anger Management gets a spiritual successor in the George Lopez vehicle Saint George. Sonia Saraiya finds the pulse of Sirens (It’s pretty good! And there’s that guy from Pan Am!) while Phil Dyess-Nugent won’t be found asking Saint George for a favor any time soon (unless that favor is “Can you find something worthier of George Lopez’s range?”)

CIA: Declassified (AHC, 10 p.m.): The Military Channel is now the American Heroes Channel, for reasons that are probably classified. Not classified: The spy stories in this new series, which are undoubtedly less fun than the declassified, fictionalized spy stories being told by The Americans.

Rise Of The Machines (H2, 10 p.m.): Wait, we thought H2 was Judgment Day. (But seriously, we joke to shake the bone-chilling thought that a History Channel offshoot is airing a show called Rise Of The Machines, just as it was foretold by Kyle Reese.)

Carvers (Syfy, 10 p.m.): Got something that needs carving? The Carvers will carve it up real good, probably into the shape of a supernatural beast. Cheese zombies? Carve it. Chocolate gorgons? Call ’em Brett Carve, ’cause they’ve carved that touchdown and completed the two point carve-version. Sand cerberus? Carve Albert says “Yes! They can carve it!”

Flip It To Win It (HGTV, 11 p.m.): Oh, what we wouldn’t give for a version of this concept that takes its title literally and challenges contestants to upend prizes of varying sizes. Look, we’ve already written the tagline for the intro sequence!

Heaven (Flix, 8:40 p.m.): Flix took the safe pick in the Oscar pool and programmed a night of films starring recently minted Best Actress winner Cate Blanchett—including this, the intended first film in Krzysztof Kieslowski’s unfinished Heaven/Hell/Purgatory cycle.

Rocky IV (AMC, 8 p.m.): Crucial, crucially marked “non-canon” excerpt from the Rocky Wiki’s entry on Paulie’s Robot, the true star of Rocky IV:

Sometime later, the robot roamed the streets, and followed Ivan Drago wherever he went, but could not hurt him.

A robot too gentle to hurt the most dangerous of humans. Our future robot overlords/the stars of Rise Of The Machines could learn a thing or two from Paulie’s Robot.

NHL Hockey: Lightning at Blues (NBC Sports, 7 p.m.): Tampa Bay travels to St. Louis, a geographical location not to be confused with reportedly dissatisfied Lightning captain Martin St. Louis.

The excellent fifth season of The Venture Bros. arrives on DVD and Blu-ray with some enticing bonuses: The Shallow Gravy one-off special, “A Very Venture Halloween,” and a cover that mimics the well-worn paperback that Hank and Dean probably thought they were starring in before, well… maybe you should buy this set and the few that precede it before we go that far.

The Following: With David Sims succumbing at last to the full power of Joe Carroll’s evil—leaving him in a permanent daze in which he is of no party or clique—Sonia Saraiya boldly steps into his place. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers, as no BERT! can save her now.