Above all else, Michael Bay is known for his words, impressive constructions whose leveling power he unleashes without warning upon the world, and also they are robots. But he’s also known for being a relentless, tyrannical taskmaster who shouts things at his actors and crew—a sort of Josef Von Sternberg Van Wilder, whose demands include telling Megan Fox to arch her back 70 degrees, and whose pronouncements include refusing to change his style because “pussies do that.” Bay’s love of colorful dialogue is certainly not limited to his films, or even incorporated into them.
Thanks to Rob Corddry, who had a supporting role in Bay’s Pain And Gain, we now have several more Bay-phorisms to add to that growing list. In a recent interview with Howard Stern staffer JD Harmeyer, Corddry shared some of the things he’d heard Bay say during the making of that film, which he’d written down for posterity. (“Sometimes he’s kind of joking and most of the time he’s not,” Corddry said, leaving that interpretation up to the reader and their individual definition of “joke.”)
Can you spot the quotes Michael Bay actually said, and the quotes we just made up? (Scroll down for the answer.)
1. An everyday thing, said to an actor: “God damn fucking cocksucker, what’s wrong with you?!”
2. “Hey watch that light, that’s our only Jesus thing-a-ma-jig!”
3. “I’ve done more girls than all of you!”
4. “Guys, if I have to wait more than a minute between shots it’s too slow!”
5. “Get out of my way, I don’t want to have to yell through you!”
6. “Give me something to wipe the air with.”
7. “If the camera’s not ready, we’ll just fucking shoot without it!”
8. To an actress playing a stripper: “Are you chewing gum? You cannot chew gum! It’s the most unsexy thing you can do when you’re trying to do sexy shit. That’s Michael Bay rule #302!”
9. “Let’s just fucking hold on a minute until the script changes have been sorted out. Nothing’s more important than that!”
10. “What’s going on in this shot? It’s so crowded and confusing, I don’t think the audience will know what the fuck’s going on!”
11. “Michael Bay rule #275: Characterization is the key to compelling drama!”
12. “Get me something to remove this big fucking American flag with, it looks ridiculous!”
13. “Slow down! We’re making a film here, not the movie equivalent of a goddamn Taco Bell burrito!”
14. “Christ, put some fucking clothes on her!”
15. An everyday thing, said to the heavens: “How can I evolve as an artist today?”
16. “I respect each and every one of your contributions to this collaborative effort, cocksuckers!”
Answer: Surprise! Only the first eight quotes were said by Michael Bay. The rest certainly were not.