Much like real parents, the Parents Television Council continues to walk into the nation's rec rooms and shriek upon discovering that bras are off, leading to an awkward, embarrassing-for-everyone lecture that's once again been conveyed in its annual report on TV nudity. In short, everyone is going to get pregnant and have to drop out of school and miss prom, because the last year has seen a shocking 6,300-percent rise in depictions of full-frontal nudity, an increase that is tantamount to the networks replacing all commercials with lusty, lingering close-ups of nipples and scrotums, basically.
Perverts may argue that, in the realm of regular, society-destroying dirty boobies and dangly bits, there was only a 407-percent increase of incidents, bringing us only 407 percent closer to total moral decay. But most troubling of all, the PTC insists—in a tone of voice that lets us know it loves us and this is for our own good—is the rise in usage of blurring or pixilation that "could be perceived to be a closer simulation of complete frontal nudity, given that the viewer is seeing all flesh tones," and which could influence impressionable young people to begin experimenting with sex and Photoshop.
Indeed, in nearly all of the suspiciously specific number of "76 incidents of full nudity in 37 shows," the various sin-mounds were covered in hot, fleshy pixels, rather than the old-timey chastity belts of black bars that once prevented everyone from imagining what the human body looked like naked. As proof, the PTC has not only compiled this treasure trove of links to blurry naked people on the TV with all the non-naked stuff cut out—like a porn loop for those with a digital distortion fetish—it's also provided meticulous descriptions of many other incidents that you should now imagine being read aloud in your mother's voice, so that you'll never find anything sexy ever again.
Here's a formerly hot scene from The Bachelor, for example:
Courtney and Ben decide to strip off their clothes and go skinny dipping in the ocean. First, Courtney is shown in a bra and thong underwear. Her buttocks are pixilated. Ben is shown wearing only boxers. Courtney takes off her bra and her breasts are pixilated. Ben takes off his boxers and his buttocks are pixilated. Courtney then takes off her underwear and her buttocks and genitals are pixilated. The two are now completely nude and they run into the ocean together. Courtney jumps into Ben’s arms and they kiss in the ocean.
And just in case you think pixilated butts and boobs are all anyone has to write alarmist press releases about, the PTC has also compiled this helpful show-by-show indecency guide, which will tell you exactly what's wrong with series like New Girl ("Sex is the show’s main problem, with many prolonged references to sex and anatomy"), Happy Endings ("Language includes 'ass,' 'slut,' 'bitch,' 'douche,' 'hell,' and 'skank'), and Community ("Foul language includes the words 'ass,' 'hell,' 'douche bag,' 'piss,' 'crap,' and 'damn'), and also tell you why none of this is "cool" like your friends say.
In an effort to stave off our "douche"-laden descent into moral turpitude, the PTC has asked that you write your congressperson and call on them to help combat the threat of blurred nudity, in between all that stuff about the economy and war. It's also instituted a new rule that everyone's hands have to be visible at all times in the TV room. And they better not be pixelated.
[via L.A. Times]