Two And A Half Men seeks Charlie Sheen replacement. Applicants must not be Charlie Sheen

As part of a very complex negotiating tactic that we industry outsiders cannot possibly hope to comprehend, those ongoing talks that Charlie Sheen claims he’s having about returning to Two And A Half Men have reached their “find anyone but Charlie Sheen” phase, with The Hollywood Reporter saying that they are currently considering bringing the show back for another season (though TMZ seems less sure), but only if they can find a suitable replacement. If you further parse that admittedly labyrinthine legalese, you’ll find that creator Chuck Lorre has in fact already pitched a plan to star Jon Cryer that involves making him the center of the show, while also bringing in a new co-star—or even potentially a series of co-stars, in what the article ominously calls the “roommate scenario”—from among rumored contenders like Woody Harrelson, Jeremy Piven, and Bob Saget.

Of course, none of these people are actually in contention, according to Warner Bros., but they certainly are famous, and therefore worth putting in bold type to get your attention. Woody Harrelson. Anyway, while this all seems like an incredibly roundabout strategy toward securing Sheen’s new deal, as does CBS and Chuck Lorre’s repeated, adamant refusal to so much as talk to him, Sheen remains confident that he can secure his old job, and is reportedly attempting to set up meetings with fellow cast members to “win their support.” We probably wouldn’t start with Jon Cryer.