The macabre, Sheen-shaped shadow that has enveloped CBS’ already-quite-dour Bataan death march of forced merriment Two And A Half Men will reach a natural nadir on the show’s season debut, as Deadline confirms the sitcom about penises and the different things you can do with them will indeed kick off with a two-part, Very Special Funeral for Sheen’s Charlie Harper character. Rumors that the show would abandon any lingering pretense to comedy and use the half-hour to essentially burn Sheen in effigy have abounded for weeks, although there’s no word on whether Sheen will actually die in a violent car crash while driving with two porn stars, calling into a sports radio show, and smoking crack, or that his last words will be a quote from Apocalypse Now—or whatever other revenge Chuck Lorre and Co. have been doodling for the last several months.
What is known for sure is that the show will feature faux-Sheen’s funeral attended by a parade of ex-girlfriends, followed by his house going on the market and Jon Cryer and President Angus T. Steakflower enduring yet another parade of celebrity guest stars who all pretend that they want to buy it, before Ashton Kutcher finally walks in and they can get back to the regularly scheduled bullshit. And then we rest, America. Then we rest.