Weddings are officially the new cakes of reality television. It seemed like only moments ago, the cable TV landscape was peppered with a neverending supply of cake- and baking-related show, but with the launch of VH's Survivor-themed Wedding Wars, one can only hope the tipping point on nuptial-related unscripted television is on a very near horizon.
There's very little to get your head around with Wedding Wars: Couples compete against each other in a vaguely Survivor-esque competition for their dream wedding (actually, a wedding at a the sponsor hotel at the end of the show's taping—every woman's fantasy as a young girl!). They vote one couple off each week, until the two luckiest luckies are picked. If anything, the only confusing part is why base this on Survivor at all? Though it was certainly a behemoth for many years, Survivor is certainly in its decline now, as it ambles through its 22nd season, making it almost geriatric next to current reality hits like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
The most likely reason the producers picked the world of alliances and flaming tiki torch elimination scenes is because wedding shows have already gutted almost every other format at this point. There's the CW's Shedding for the Wedding, which boasts the mind-melting tagline, "Here comes the bride, all dressed and… wide?" Also, there's E!'s white lace horror show Bridalplasty which says it all in the title, thank you very much. Between these perch Say Yes to the Dress, Bridezillas and VH1's attempt to breed a reality TV super baby, My Big Friggin' Wedding. So, the Jersey Shore bait didn't take. Let them get back up and try again, would you?
On the Wedding Wars premiere, viewers met 12 engaged couples who varied from the surprisingly sweet-seeming (Rich and Marina) to the hyper-competitive (Johnnie and Celestria) to the flat-out fame-whoring (Kat and the aptly named Hollywood). They're all in it to win it but have been all-too-logically tricked in the first episode into thinking the duration of the competition will take place at the oceanfront Hawaiian resort they first arrived at. Immediately after completely their first challenge, the couples learned the tiny overnight bag and clothes on their backs would be all the belongings allowed for the entirety of the competition. While their suitcases full of clothes luxuriated at the hotel, they were ushered to a dismal-looking campsite in the middle of the wilderness with tiny wooden plank covers over bedrolls for shelter and boxes of rice and beans for sustenance. Gotcha, lovers!
Luckily, the first challenge had the couples racing to find their respective wedding dresses and tuxedos, hidden inside a pile of intricately wrapped gift boxes that had been stacked into a mountain. At the campsite, the most resourceful couples ripped their garments to shreds, using the fabric as extra bedding and the wedding dress tulle as mosquito netting over their small huts.
It's an exercise in good ol' reality TV shaming, a tactic employed on another VH1 show called You're Cut Off. There, spoiled brats are stuck in a fugly, single-floor house, stripped of their credit cards and beauty maintenance and taught the error of their ways through forced thrift shopping and household chores.
VH1 wags its finger at the Wedding Wars couples for their greedy, overly lusty wedding dreams while simultaneously dropping tiny breadcrumbs leading to their eventual goal. In case you didn't get what they were going for, cardboard host Michele Merkin informed the couples that at their campsite would have "no amenities; no luxuries—except the love of your life." How fulfilling is your true love, now that you've got cameras filming you covered in sweat and ripping apart a wedding dress to keep bugs out of your crappy lean-to, huh?
For a first episode, there's too little backstory on any one of these couples to get a sense of what might come to pass. Only the faintest outline of love or commitment is hinted at in the introductions, which isn't too surprising given how many couples are at the starting line. By the end of the first flame-flickering elimination, we said goodbye to Johnnie and Celestria, who jumped in way too early with attempts at alliances and misleading rumors. While confidence can be imperative for these types of competitive shows, reeking of desperation—and forgetting to think out your lies before you start spreading them, in Celestria's case—can put a target on your back too quickly, it seems.
In order to stick along for the ride with these couples, VH1 will need to flesh out some serious backstories and let the audience actually figure out who to root for and why it should root for them or just hope some cartoonishly entertaining characters emerge to the foreground. At this point, the show is just a reminder that there are probably some freshly baked cupcakes to drool over on another channel.
Stray observations
- What exactly happened to Jessica during the luau after Kat stepped on her foot?! Nice job not explaining why a contestant become entirely catatonic for a spell, only to return joking in the next segment.
- Let's hope those two mannequins that the wedding dress and tuxedo were on for the explanation of the challenge never return. Terrifying.
- Red and white wine included in the rations at camp? Not too shabby!
- Poor Elsie's boyfriend was ALWAYS YELLING AT HER in the challenges thinking it was some form of encouragement?
- Michele Merkin? Really? Merkin!? OK. (Update: A previous edition of this review stated the host's name incorrectly)