My answer to this question, I must admit, is informed as much by my experience watching the film as the film itself, so perhaps my aggressive disdain for Kevin Smith’s Clerks 2 is unjust. I was in college, broke beyond belief, and, despite having spent the day lugging my possessions down and up multiple sets of stairs in sweltering heat, homeless. See, I moved my possessions to a new apartment building only to discover my unit was, for reasons beyond my control, not ready. As such, I moved my couch, desk, and 36 boxes of books up another flight of stairs to a friend’s apartment to sit for three days. And, with the last 15 bucks in my bank account, I went to the movies to escape the heat, eat a dinner of warmed-over nachos, and, for 90 minutes, laugh. That’s all. A few laughs, a pleasant story; the stakes could not have been lower. Alas, there were no laughs to be had in this horrible, unnecessary sequel, which had all the crassness of Smith’s original and none of the homespun charm that so tickled me when I discovered it as a preteen. Cloaked in dried sweat, I slumped in my seat, annoyed and exhausted, loudly declaring to the two other people there that “this is stupid!” I was shushed, rightfully, and, delirious in my dehydrated tantrum, came this close to jumping ship. Then I remembered what was waiting for me outside—heat, a sticky recliner, and an empty bank account—and grimaced through to the ending. I haven’t rewatched it since then—the mere prospect brings sweat to my brow—but I have considered how this story would be different if I’d seen another movie that opened on that same day: M. Night Shyamalan’s Lady In The Water. Folks, it could’ve been worse. [Randall Colburn]
