Star of Two And A Half Men, noted prostitute connoisseur, and angry driving force behind Denise Richards: It's Complicated, Charlie Sheen got married last weekend for the third time.
Based on this interview with Sheen about the wedding in OK! magazine, here's what it's like to marry Charlie Sheen:
1. It's like a dream—or, you know, like a high: a really jittery, stay-up-all-night-cause-you're-too-wired-to-close-your-eyes kind of a high:
It feels great. We were so excited when we got home we couldn't go to sleep. [There was] a lot of adrenaline and excitement.
2. It's sooo romantic because Charlie really knows how to make his current bride feel special: by publicly bad-mouthing his previous two wives.
OK!: Would you say the third time's the charm for you?
Sheen: Yeah, but I was telling a couple of friends last night that this feels like my first real marriage. The first one was a show, the second one was a con, and this one is the real deal.
3. It's a day full of joy and hope: you can see it reflected in the innocent eyes of Charlie's two daughters—daughters he is generous enough to include in the wedding, even though they're the product of a con marriage.
OK!: Charlie, what do your daughters think about Daddy getting married?
Sheen: They're very young, but they were excited. They claimed they wanted to look as pretty as Brooke. They absolutely adore her.
Aww, They're daddy's little cons!
4. As for the wedding itself, it's basically like being wrapped in a diaphanous cloak of pure elegance.
…that sells for a dollar in grocery store checkout aisles everywhere.
5. In short, marrying Charlie Sheen is like floating on a cloud of happiness. You're so elated, you don't even notice that he's wearing an ill-fitting Men's Warehouse suit, and can't be bothered to straighten his tie for the photographs.
OK!: Charlie, why did you go to Men's Wearhouse for your wedding suit?
Sheen: I like their commercials a lot! I got tired of $3,000 suits falling apart in the middle of certain events. I didn't wear a tux because they're hot and they don't breathe.
And, really, shouldn't everyone be able to breathe for their first real marriage?