Star Wars creatures, critters, and robots get lots of appreciation, but what about the imaginative carriages that make all the heroes’ galaxy jetting possible? With Star Wars Wars, The A.V. Club showcases some of the best vehicles in the galaxy far, far away by bringing them down Earth—our Earth, specifically the suburbs, where we imagine what Star Wars conveyances make the best modes of transport for gas-guzzling mall treks and country-club jaunts. Vote for your favorite in our poll, and Friday will see the four winners duke it out for the title of best Star Wars suburban ride. Yesterday the Jawa sandcrawler went up against Boba Fett’s ship for the better errand-running vehicle; today, you’ll vote on the better mid-life crisis purchase.
The best vehicle for your Star Wars suburban mid-life crisis
Getting old is hard, whether you’re a galactic dictator or inching closer to death in your comfortable suburban home. The Death Star is about as ostentatious a vehicle imaginable, a moon-sized base whose massive size makes up for its ponderous pace through space. The threat that has to be destroyed in A New Hope, the Death Star is arguably the most important “vehicle” of the original trilogy, threatening to wipe out not just Rebel bases, but the entire planet they happen to be on. The speeder bike, on the other hand, is a small and speedy death machine that Luke and Leia ride to stop some Stormtrooper scouts from revealing their location on Endor in Return Of The Jedi. But what’s the better expensive purchase to show the world you’re going through a mid-life crisis on Earth? The Death Star, equivalent of an enormous boat that sits in the driveway, or the speeder bike, the purchase tantamount to showing your youth on the back of a Harley-Davidson? Cast your vote in this very important poll below, and come back tomorrow, when each day’s winner will face off in our suburban Star Wars Wars rumble.
Death Star
Nothing says, “Sure, I’m 50, but my junk still works” like cruising around the galaxy in a moon-sized luxury vehicle equipped with a massive, planet-smashing laser phallus. The Death Star has everything the graying lawyer, ad exec, or Sith lord who wants to shore up (and unintentionally expose) his aging male insecurity could possibly need, marking it out as the ultimate status symbol for anyone in the throes of a mid-Life Day crisis. Needlessly flashy, impractically expensive, and festooned with tiny, easily exploitable flaws, this fully operational battle station is the perfect ride for anyone too blinded by arrogance (and their own mortality) to leave in their moment of triumph—whether that’s blowing up the rebel base on Yavin 4, or just making an awkward pass at the 19-year-old college dropout sullenly wiping tables at the airport Chili’s. [William Hughes]
Speeder bike
Actually, nothing says “mid-life crisis” like a reckless disregard for the safety of your internal organs. For those aging suburban dads (or moms!) looking to prove they still have the edge to make very stupid decisions, there’s the speeder bike, a reckless, foolhardy, and insanely fast mode of transport that’s basically a rocket with handlebars attached. The speeder bike is the perfect way to tell the world that, despite your age and increased responsibilities, you don’t fear death or property damage. It’s a vehicle with no safety precautions, no seat belt, no air bag, and no room for anything but exhilarating, foolhardy velocity. The only downside is that, with an acceleration of zero to 100 mph in maybe a second, there’s little room for error from the novice or the veteran. But hey, that only makes it cooler. [Zack Handlen]
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