Who cares if Hotwives Of Orlando went live yesterday—time doesn’t exist on the Internet

TOP PICK

Hotwives Of Orlando (Hulu): Yes, yes, we recognize that the first season of Hulu’s hilarious parody of Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise posted in its entirety yesterday. But here’s the thing: It’s the Internet, so everybody’s getting to know the Hotwives at their own pace. (That’s for the best with Kristen Schaal’s former child star Amanda, who takes a while getting anywhere anyway.) Sonia Saraiya offers her own introduction to the Central Florida ladies who don’t want no drama—and Sonia would prefer if drama is kept to an absolute minimum as well.

The Divide (WE, 9 p.m.): The first original scripted program from the network formerly known as Women’s Entertainment depicts a death-row drama pulled from the files of exoneration-group The Innocence Project. Been looking for a version of Rectify that’s more traditionally paced and set in an East Coast setting that looks like The Wire if you squint hard enough? You’re in luck!

2014 ESPY Awards (ESPN, 9 p.m.): Drake presides over athletic’ biggest night—aside from pro-sports finals, bowl games, all-star competitions, international championships, big-money tournaments, and 10-cent beer night. But still, where else is Drake going to be able to make a “Started From The Bottom” joke and relate it to league standings?

Virgin Territory (MTV, 11 p.m.): This just might be MTV’s attempt at earning karmic goodwill in the wake of the Teen Mom franchise. Which would be an easier message to send if it was airing before Teen Mom.

Extant (CBS, 9 p.m.)
The Bridge (FX, 10 p.m.)
Wilfred (FXX, 10 p.m.)

Lost (1 p.m.): “All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues” declares the title of one of today’s two episodes. To which Myles McNutt encounters, “Yes, but what of Hopalong Totally Adjusted And Productive Member Of Society?”

Six Feet Under (3 p.m.): Take a ride with David Fisher, a hitchhiker, and John Teti. Teti will pay for snacks, but good luck getting him to pony up for gas!

It’s a day of bests and worsts: The Good Wife produced 2013-14’s best episode of TV, “Hitting The Fan”; read about that and nine other episodes Sonia Saraiya thinks you need to see to be ready for the show’s upcoming sixth season. On the worst side: It’s there in the title of FX’s new anti-rom-com You’re The Worst, which Molly Eichel doesn’t think is the worse—though she prefers its timeslot companion, Married.

Behind The Music (VH1, 9 p.m.)/Make Or Break: The Linda Perry Project (VH1, 10 p.m.): Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. We said hey. What’s going on? What, aside from 4 Non Blondes-frontwoman-turned-chart-whisperer Linda Perry getting her own talent competition and accompanying installment of VH1’s long-running behind-the-scenes documentary? Eh, not much.

Teen Mom 2 (MTV, 10 p.m.): A new season begins, providing a cautionary tale to those aforementioned virgins profiled on the show that follows this one. (Not follows follows—if that was the case, there’d be no virgins to follow with cameras.)

Sex In The Wild (PBS, 10 p.m.): A.k.a. Teen Mom On Safari.

Young Marvels (Ovation, 10 p.m.): Look closely, and you’ll see that all of today’s What Else Is On picks come together to form a single picture, and that single picture involves the production of child musical prodigies.

The Heat (Cinemax, 8 p.m.): Who will win in the Battle of the Bullocks? Will it be the 2010s model of law-enforcing Sandra Bullock, playing buddy cop with Melissa McCarthy and still rocking a pantsuit after all these years?

Miss Congeniality (CMT, 8 p.m.): Or will it be her predecessor, the undercover Agent Sandra Bullock who infiltrates the dodgy world of beauty pageants. (Answer: Neither. The winner will always be Sandra Bullock in Speed.)

Tour De France: Stage 11 (NBC Sports, 5 p.m.): Sports has taken the day off in observance of the ESPYs, but the competitors in the Tour De France are moving too quickly to be reached by that news.

The Office (Classic): The A.V. Club has now reviewed every episode of The Office. There is now a massive database of different A.V. Club writers’ thoughts on the American adaptation of a TV comedy milestone—itself no slouch in the laughs and pathos departments. Maybe one day Erik Adams will get around to integrating all of those reviews under a single Office tag—for now, he is in mourning.