Everyone who is or was at some point even remotely famous has a perfume—Carlos Santana, Avril Lavigne, Tim McGraw, Donald Trump, the cast of the Bold & The Beautiful, Alan Cumming, Raven Symone, Derek Jeter, that girl whose arm was bitten off by a shark, etc. If you're looking for something to make you smell like your favorite slightly-well-known personage, or if you're just looking for something with a famous name to swig Scarlett-O'Hara-style when you're secretly drinking in the bedroom and your abusive husband comes up the stairs, the celebrity perfume industrial complex has you well covered.
But what if you're looking for something more in your celebrity perfume? Something scientific like, say, the DNA of your fave dead celeb? Well, unfortunately, now you can have that too.
From The NY Daily News:
A Beverly Hills company is formulating a line of "Antiquity" fragrances based on the DNA of dead celebrities including Elvis Presley, Albert Einstein, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson – even Richard Nixon.
The firm, which also makes individualized scents based on a customer's cheek swab, says it's conjuring the star potions from DNA tests performed on hair clippings provided by renowned celebrity hair collector John Reznikoff.
"I can't go into our secret process, but we base the fragrance on the genetic code," said Dr. Diva Verdun, chief development officer at MyDNAFragrance.com.
Verdun conceded buyers aren't getting a tangible piece of their deceased idol's biology in the bottle, admitting that "you couldn't do a reverse DNA analysis off of the perfume." But she vowed the process is scientific.
Ah, the sweet smell of celebrity genetic code culled from musty old hair clippings kept by a man whose interest in the discarded hair of celebrities is so fervant he's referred to as a "renowned celebrity hair collector." Could anything possibly be more pleasant?
And could anything be more thoroughly scientific than having a doctor named Diva tailor a fragrance to a celebrity's genetic code? It's like Jurassic Park in a bottle (but with dead celebs instead of dinosaurs)!
But wait, there isn't a tangible piece of dead famous person DNA in the bottle? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of buying Elvis DNA cologne? (Incidentally, the only purpose of buying Elvis DNA cologne is to extract the Elvis DNA, somehow create an Elvis clone, and one day open a dead celebrity version of Jurassic Park featuring a cageful of Elvii.)
I mean, people don't actually want to smell like Elvis. Right, Dr. Diva?
"I did a little research on Elvis, and he actually had really bad body odor. So we don't want to clone him in any way or create a fragrance that actually smelled like him," she said. "DNA has nothing to do with bodily functions. There's no way it can stink."
Dr. Diva did some further, super-scientific "research" on the scent of DNA, and found out that most dead celebrity chromosomes smell like gardenias. Either that, or the gardenias in the MyDNAFragrance.com lab smell like gardenias, but Dr. Diva thinks it's most likely that the dead celebrity DNA smells like flowers because what are dead celebrities except beautiful, decaying flowers, you know?
The making of DNA fragrances is such an exact science. Just look at this description of Blue Suede, the Elvis DNA cologne:
Blue Suede is King of Cologne. From the first sniff, Blue Suede's various notes will impress every woman's senses. The vibration of this fragrance will moisten their every thought. The secret formation is discernable once it is applied to the skin. Several minutes later it will create an attractiveness that will last all day.
Even though I'm pretty sure this description was translated from a hastily-played round of Japanese Madlibs, you can't deny the science in these sentences. Not only has Dr. Diva managed to make a perfume based off of Elvis's DNA, but she's also found a way to bottle actual physical vibrations that will somehow turn into liquid as soon as they reach a woman's brain, thereby moistening it.
Clearly, these aren't just a creepy new relics in star worship, but marvels of modern science.