In a recent issue of Blender, a reader wrote in to ask Chris Martin—of Coldplay, wearing what looks like Corey Feldman's Rock & Roll High School Forever wardrobe cast-offs, and naming his children Apple and Moses fame—a tongue-in-cheek question about baby names: Which does he prefer: Papaya, Chewbacca, or Sandal?
Martin's response (which you can listen to here):
"People make a big fuss over names: names of babies, names of albums, names of bands, names of people. The thing that everyone forgets is that a name is just a noise, and if you like it, then fuck what everyone else says. That's what it's called.
"So there's nothing weird about calling your baby Chewbacca if that's what you want to call your baby. It's no weirder than Sarah, it's just that people are more used to it."
That's deep, man. I never thought about it that way. Names are just noises, just a bunch of meaningless larynx wobbles that we use to identify and differentiate every single person, place, or thing all around us. It's, like, what is language anyway, except a bunch of random goo goo gaa gaas that we developed because of the desperate need and innate desire to communicate with other humans? Seriously: fuck that. Or should I say: naaa pa ti pawww. That's why I plan to name my children Thing 1, Wha 2, and ColdplayChrisMartin.
When you're right, you're right, Chris Martin of Coldplay. As long as you like the ridiculous non-sequitur of a name you picked out for your baby, the "noise" that will identify your child and that they will have to live with their entire life, who cares? Naming a baby is about the parent and only the parent.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go listen to some classic PartyFartin—that's the "noise" I assigned to the band you might call "Coldplay"—maybe a little "Goulash Blahrt" followed by "Streetlamp Syphilis."