You can buy The Onion's new Magic Answer Ball app and solve all your problems

Our brothers and sisters over at The Onion just released a shiny new iPhone app that they would like you to purchase for the low, low price of 99 cents. (That's one cent less than a dollar!) It's called Magic Answer Ball, and it's nothing like a Magic 8-Ball, because it's inside your iPhone and the answers are funny instead of boring. Think about it, would you rather have your fortune-telling advice-giver say "ask again later" or "Unless Jesus returns right now, the answer is yes"? You can go check it out right here. No pressure, but if you don't buy it we're all going to eat dollar-store food for Christmas dinner.

 
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