Earlier this week, an employee of Hot Topic posted a discreetly filmed video of a casual conversation he had with a customer at work. Hot Topic, of course, is the global epicenter of mall goth, a massive chain that brings the forces of darkness to middle America via sassy T-shirts, branded gamer dusters, and lots of Panic! At The Disco merchandise. The video was accompanied by the text, “In case you wanted to know what working at Hot Topic is like,” and it is a several-minute foray into the darkest recesses of the suburban druid’s mind.
In hushed tones, the customer declares himself to be the “Eternal Dragon Guardian Of Time,” and demands the surprisingly affable cashier’s soul. He continues:
I do not demand your soul as payment. It is moreso protection that if you abuse your power… then your soul is (was?) going to be bound. You keep your soul within your flesh, but your soul will be bound never to touch power again. That is the dictation of the blood contract. I give you my blood. You give me… a piece of your soul. You do not lose your soul. I am not the father. I have no rights to your soul. But I do have rights to claim how you use my power. And that is the only reason I bind your soul like that.
(Thanks to Redditors MetaSoshi9 and Azuyin for transcription.)
The original tweets documenting the emergence of the fell lord have since been taken down, but the video’s already replicating elsewhere on the internet, as such things tend to. In a second video, the customer continues claiming to be a dragon, born of the energy of the old ways, or something—it’s all a little tough to follow, to be honest, likely because it was all poached from item descriptions in Dark Souls III. The cashier and the customer develop a sweet sort of rapport as the videos go on. Toward the end of the first one, the customer, presumably swirling a goblet of blood and gazing into a distant fire, muses, “Most humans denounce anything that is outside their realm of—” before the cashier finishes for him, “—understanding.” You’ll always find a sympathetic ear at Hot Topic, buddy.