Beyoncé doesn't really have tons of burner emails, but you'll still never contact her
Less a human than a phantasmagorical being of near-Euclidean perfection—especially on the internet, where any criticism will not be tolerated—Beyoncé Knowles nonetheless occasionally has to step down off the platinum-encrusted cumulus cloud that ferries her from gala to gala in order to communicate with the hoi polloi, a.k.a. the rest of humanity. Despite looking like a bunch of backwoods stump-humping yokels in comparison, the Lemonade singer must use everyday channels of communication in order to make her needs known to us average mortals, lest her superiority-based isolation eventually lead her to starve to death, unserved by the proper GrubHub delivery people.
But before you get your hopes up that her visit that one time last year to your artisanal shoelaces store means that you could shoot her an Evite to your improv group’s open mic hosting gig, you should know that Beyoncé is many, many steps ahead of you. As revealed in an Entertainment Tonight interview with her acquaintance and new collaborator Ed Sheeran—who even with many fewer degrees of Kevin Bacon between himself and Beyoncé is still roughly on par with moose droppings in comparison to the “Drunk In Love” singer—Knowles changes her email address constantly. “I have an email address I email,” Sheeran said about coordinating the recording of their new duet “Perfect” via long-distance, only to add that said email address “actually changes every week.”
Of course, that immediately turned out to be more than likely untrue, another foolhardy effort to reduce even one aspect of Queen Bey’s unfathomable depths to something as simple as “she changes email addresses a lot.”As The BBC reports, cyber-security experts rate the likelihood that Beyoncé would use and abandon email addresses on a weekly basis as being somewhere being “doubtful” and “are you fucking high?” To wit: “It is highly unlikely a celeb would change their email that often, as it plays havoc with trying to stay connected,” said Paul Woodward of Surrey University, meaning Sheeran’s comment was more a feeble attempt to ascribe human behavior to someone who long since transcended it.
“She’s very good at…” Sheeran began, and then trailed off, once more realizing his disgusting human words are unfit to serve as linguistic chum in the ocean of our efforts to draw out a clearer understanding of her persona. “Hiding?” offered ET’s Keltie Knight, knowing even as she said it that recourse to such despoiled verbiage was insufficient. “Yeah,” Sheeran said, doubtless relieved to have the burden of crafting a graven idol made of words passed off onto his interlocutor, lest he anger the musical demigod of all humankind. “It’s kind of what I aspire to be, I think,” he lamely concluded, as though we were not all, per universal acclaim unsullied by the impudence of contradictory voices, aspiring to lay claim to even a tenth of her benevolent grace.
Or at least, that’s the narrative you run with if you don’t want to be swarmed with the social media rage of the Beyhive. Which frankly, it’s Monday, there’s a long week ahead of us, so let’s just all agree she’s totally great and pretend that “Ave Maria” never happened.