Chuck E. Cheese is getting its own adult-aimed game show

Do today’s children enjoy the antics of noted pizza rat Charles Entertainment Cheese? We can’t imagine that they do, what with the modern child’s ready access to electronic entertainment and bad pizza in abundance, freeing them of the need to subject themselves to Chuck E. Cheese’s pervading aura of grease and decay in order to fulfil those urges. Hence, maybe, why the recently bankrupt pizza/arcade chain has taken its next step toward an entirely nostalgia-based economy, preying on the minds of aging former children—in this case, with a new game show aimed entirely at grown-ups, subjecting them to giant-sized versions of the chain’s various arcade attractions.

This is per The Hollywood Reporter, which notes that the chain is teaming up with Top Chef production company Magical Elves for a new game show, which will see “big kids” (the show’s term for “sad adults”) compete to earn tickets that they can take to a “massive version of the iconic Chuck E. Cheese prize wall,” where, presumably, they’ll be able to purchase over-priced, shoddily made versions of “big kid” things. (And while this will probably be things like cars and Jet Skis, we like to imagine contestants will also be able to pick out stuff like health insurance, student debt relief, and, for the biggest of winners, the ultimate in aging millennial luxury: Their own grave, complete with coffin.)

To win said tickets, the contestants will compete in over-sized versions of “pinball, air hockey, alley roller and the human claw.” (“Alley roller” is what you call Skee-Ball when you don’t want to kick any money to Bay Tek Games, Inc., the current owners of the Skee-Ball copyright, by the by.) And here is the insidious and horrifying power of nostalgia: This sounds pretty kick-ass, and we would like to be on it, just like we wanted to be on that adult version of Legends Of The Hidden Temple that crashed and burned on The CW a few years back. Nostalgia is a poison, is our point, and there is no cure.