The teaser for David Cronenberg’s Crimes Of The Future is unmistakably Cronenbergian

For lack of a better word, the teaser trailer for David Cronenberg’s latest film, Crimes Of The Future, is extremely Cronenbergian. Who other than the body-horror maestro would assault the viewer with images of Viggo Mortensen entering a synthetic bio pod as Kristen Stewart plugs a body with wires? Want more of this, you freaks? Of course, you do.

But what is Crimes Of The Future, and why are we paying for these crimes in the present? Frequent Cornenberg collaborator Viggo Mortensen plays a performance artist who enters a chrysalis to showcase “the metamorphosis of his organs in avant-garde performances.” In other words, what if David Blane starred in eXistenZ? Sure, sounds great.

To fully understand the life and times of Viggo Mortensen, avant-garde organ-based celebrity performance artist, let’s break down the synopsis piece by piece:

As the human species adapts to a synthetic environment, the body undergoes new transformations and mutations.

Makes sense. Why wouldn’t the human body undergo new transformations and mutations to adapt to a synthetic environment? But, wait, why does humanity need to adapt to a synthetic environment? [Sigh] Probably the climate crisis.

With his partner Caprice (Léa Seydoux), Saul Tenser (Viggo Mortensen), celebrity performance artist, publicly showcases the metamorphosis of his organs in avant-garde performances.

Who amongst us?

Timlin (Kristen Stewart), an investigator from the National Organ Registry, obsessively tracks their movements, which is when a mysterious group is revealed… Their mission—to use Saul’s notoriety to shed light on the next phase of human evolution.

Oh, great, it’s another one of those “Kristen Stewart: Organ Investigator” movies.

Crimes Of The Future is the director’s first film since 2014's Maps To The Stars, and like that film, this also stars one of the sexually repressed teen vampires from Forks, Washington. Robert Pattinson broke out of the Twilight mode thanks to Cronenberg. Stewart doesn’t need the help, but we’re looking forward to what kind of weird body horror Cronenberg has in store for her.

Cronenberg, who has been chided by fellow horror filmmaker and friend John Carpenter for being “an artist now,” has spent the 2000s mostly out of the genre. A History Of Violence and Eastern Promises made him an Oscar-nominee and earned him industry respect. Great films, but it’s very nice to see him back in Fly/eXistenZ/Videodrome mode.

“Crimes Of The Future is an evolution of things I have done before,” Cronenberg said. “Fans will see key references to other scenes and moments from my other films. That’s a continuity of my understanding of technology as connected to the human body.”

Hell yeah.

Crimes Of The Future will bow at the Cannes Film Festival this May.