Like a bunch of miserable Phoebe Cates-es delivering a heartbroken monologue in Gremlins, Turkish archaeologists may have finally stumbled over the dead body of Santa Claus. Specifically, historical investigators in the town of Demre, Turkey—built in the same area where the historical Saint Nicholas was thought to have lived—believe they’ve figured out where the famously generous saint’s body is located.
This is according to The Guardian, which notes that previous beliefs about the saint’s body—which was once thought to rest in the Italian city of Bari—seem to have been disproven. Right now, archaeologists are trying to figure out how to dig into an intact sub-structure discovered under a church in Demre named for the saint—whose habit of secret gift-giving helped inspire the Santa Claus legend—without destroying other historical artifacts. Once they do, they’ll presumably exhume the body, the better to let the children of the world crawl their way into his bony lap and ask for a new Xbox.
Meanwhile, we can only imagine what hijinks Tim Allen is up to right now, as he prepares himself to travel to Turkey, slip into the tomb, drape some rotting, fragile scraps of cloth over his shoulders, and finally achieve his true destiny.