Gwyneth Paltrow ready to “reach new depths” in trailer for Netflix series The Goop Lab

We’d barely recovered from Gwyneth Paltrow’s Golden Globes dress last night only to get slammed by her latest venture today: The actor-turned-lifestyle-guru standing in front of a decidedly vaginal graphic announcing her new Netflix series, The Goop Lab (we refuse to bow to her lowercase title style). The graphic features the tagline “Reach new depths,” and we really couldn’t agree more.

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But even that cursed image pales next to the trailer for her new series, which Netflix describes as “A curiosity-driven exploration of boundary-pushing wellness topics—brought to you by Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle site, goop.” We describe it as… a bunch of potentially harmful hooey promoting unproven, pseudoscientific claptrap, with an extremely liberal use of the word “lab.”

The trailer is apparently designed to leave Paltrow’s polished Oscar-winning persona behind, as she bookends the clip with swears, from asking a sexpert who says that “everybody gets off” in her workshops, “what the fuck are you doing to people?” to closing by saying “We’re here one time, one life, how can we really milk the shit out of this?”—hey, she said it, not us. In between, there are announcements of energy healing, psychedelics, cold therapy, psychic mediums, and of course, orgasms (“You want to talk about the vulva,” says the same sexpert—who doesn’t?). Someone even drops that they’ve had an exorcism. Because sure, those are real. (Don’t even talk to us about Evil, we are too afraid to watch.)

“What we try to do at Goop is explore ideas that are out there or too scary,” explains one of Paltrow’s minions, while other participants opine that the treatments that they’re trying are “Dangerous!” and “Unregulated!” as if those are good things. We would take a 15-minute meditation app over a Goop Lab episode in a heartbeat, as we found just the 73 seconds of the trailer to be excruciating. But if you want to spend part of your one time, one life watching it, The Goop Lab drops on Netflix on January 24.