That’s right, little girl from the Trump ad, we said it. Happy fucking Holidays, a greeting that includes Christmas as well as Hanukkah (which, to be fair, is over), Kwanzaa, the Winter Solstice, Boxing Day, Festivus, Card Playing Day, National Flashlight Day, and National Bicarbonate of Soda Day. All your years of back-breaking work on the liberal gulag mining lesbians for Starbucks cups have been for nothing, and the terrible reign of inclusivity and tolerance continues. Despair, little girl, for your holiday is no more special than any other holiday, despite being a major pop-cultural force commemorated with TV specials, movies, DMX songs, ugly sweater parties, decorations, special food, and months’ worth of commercials.
Anyway, now that the four A.V. Club readers who would get offended by someone saying “Happy Holidays” are gone, we’re her to let you know that Newswire is shutting down for a few days. We’ll be back on Wednesday the 27 with bellies full of cookies and fresh stories for your perusal, but in the meantime, we humbly present this proposition: Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is actually a very good song, assuming you don’t work retail and have to hear it 10 times a day, every day.
Happy Holidays, pals.