HBO releases crummy commercial for another Christmas Story sequel

HBO may trust God, but all others are paying cash.

Solidifying yet another holiday tradition, HBO will premiere their latest attempt at making a sequel out of A Christmas Story. The poorly titled A Christmas Story Christmas, however, has one special thing going for it: Peter Billingsley’s nearsighted eyes. Well, actually, that’s all it has going for it, judging by the teaser released earlier today.

The teaser features shots of the Cleveland home of Ralphie Parker, the little boy who dreams of shooting a person in his front yard. Yes, this ardent defender of not only second amendment rights but also the right for children to bear arms returns for another rock around the Christmas tree. There’s no indication of the plot or feeling other than nostalgia. The minute-long ad lingers in the Parker family home, focusing on the radio where Ralphie listens to Little Orphan Annie, the lampshade that once softened the soft glow of electric sex from the Parker window, and a production photograph from A Christmas Story. The whole thing feels more like a commercial for a reunion special or even an advertisement for the Parker house set, now a museum that people can visit.

That is until our proverbial Batman puts on his cape and cowl. Yup, Ralphie returns.

Of course, this isn’t the first time we’ve had a Parker family holiday imposed upon us. First, there was the pre-Christmas Story Ralphie TV movie: 1976’s The Phantom of the Open Hearth, followed by the 1988 Jean Shepherd-penned TV movie, ‌Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss, with Sheperd reprising the role of narrator.

Several years later, Charles Grodin, Kieran Culkin, and Mary Steenburgen starred in My Summer Story. Director Bob Clark and Christmas Story co-writer Leigh Brown, who also played the rude elf that terrorizes Ralphie and Randy at the mall, returned for that one. And who could forget 2012’s A Christmas Story 2, which starred Daniel Stern and went straight to video? Finally, we got A Christmas Story Live! in 2017, when the Broadway adaptation reminded rights holders that some alleys still remain unexplored in the Ralphie Parker Universe.

And explore they shall. Helmed by Clay Katis (The Christmas Chronicles) and written by Nick Schenk (The Mule, Gran Torino, Cry Macho), the film stars Billingsley and fellow original cast members Scott Schwartz as Flick and Zack Ward as Scut Farkus—er, Office Scut Farkus. We were all today years old when we discovered that Scott Farkus’ name is actually “Scut.”

A Christmas Story Christmas will hit HBO Max just in time for the holidays on November 17.