Let's cross our fingers that we don't all die because the president tweets like a goddamn middle-schooler

Donald Trump is on a foreign relations tour this week, a sentence perfectly calibrated to remind us all that we might not live long enough to die of heart disease, cancer, or sexual harassment scandal-induced despair. Not, that is, when the President Of The United States is taking time out of his busy diplomatic schedule to call the leader of a rival nuclear power “short and fat,” for no conceivable reason.

But hey, we don’t want to get branded with a spittle-flecked hashtag, so let’s be clear: Trump explicitly didn’t call North Korean leader Kim Jong-un “short and fat” tonight, because American foreign policy has now descended to the sarcastic middle school sniping level of international affairs:

Trump’s tweet presumably references that time the North Korean government called him a “dotard,” suggesting that the lag time on the president’s dictionary look-ups is stretching out to at least a month by now. (Meanwhile, we can at least content ourselves with the fact that he’s only verbally burning people at this point, instead of threatening to destroy them en masse.)

Thanks to time zones, Trump was getting in one of his customary early morning Twitter rants a little early today, offering up the usual mix of petty grudges, currying favor with the bigger, meaner kids, and outright spelling errors you can really only get from either an insecure 12-year-old, or the official pronouncements of the United States’ Commander-In-Chief.

In any case, we remain forever grateful to Mr. Trump for the reminder that life is short (and could be a whole hell of a lot shorter, if he maintains our foreign diplomacy on a sixth-grade level), and also that Philippines is spelled P-H-I-L-I-P-P-I-N-E-S. (And if that last point seems petty, feel free to remind yourself that Trump’s tweets have been labeled official White House pronouncements by administration staff, and also that Google exists.)