Busting through the wall of the current cultural moment like a Kool-Aid man of male entitlement, Matt Damon has arrived to ruin the Downsizing press tour with some flaming-hot takes on sexual misconduct. “But why would a man who not only worked with an accused serial rapist, but has been accused of helping kill a 2004 investigation into same, assume the world needs to know his thoughts on the subject?,” you may be asking. Good question! The only answer is that Matt Damon has lived for the past 20 years—his whole life, even—with the idea that everything Matt Damon says is extremely correct, so he can insert himself into the middle of any conversation with impunity.
Damon’s been laying down opinions like he’s got a #NotAllMen mixtape coming out since the Weinstein story first broke in October, when he said that he has four daughters, each of whose innocent eyes looked up at him when he held them for the first time and spoke straight into his soul: “Daddy, I know you never thought of this before, but sexual assault is bad.” That’s a pretty common (if pretty ridiculous) sentiment, though, to be fair. Things didn’t get truly spicy until last week, when Damon went on ABC News and held forth on all manner of issues related to the #MeToo moment, including: That “there’s a difference between, you know, patting someone on the butt and rape or child molestation”; that, therefore, “we can work with” Louis CK and Al Franken; and that he would absolutely fight any sexual misconduct charges against him in court to preserve his nice-guy reputation.
But even Minnie Driver writing an op-ed telling him to just shut the fuck up and listen for once didn’t work. Just yesterday, Damon gave an interview to Business Insider with perhaps his hottest take yet: Why are we focusing on the sexual predators? Why aren’t we talking about the nice guys in Hollywood—guys like, say, Matt Damon? “We’re in this watershed moment, and it’s great, but I think one thing that’s not being talked about is there are a whole shitload of guys—the preponderance of men I’ve worked with — who don’t do this kind of thing and whose lives aren’t going to be affected?,” he said, presumably tapping his temple like the guy in the Roll Safe meme. “If I have to sign a sexual-harassment thing, I don’t care, I’ll sign it,” he added, nobly. “I would have signed it before. I don’t do that, and most of the people I know don’t do that.”
Well, congratulations, buddy: You did it. You’ve successfully turned the spotlight back onto yourself. Our condolences to Matt Damon’s publicity team during this difficult time.