Retro romance: 11 classic video game couples and whether they’re in it for love or high scores

In honor of The A.V. Club’s Love Week, enjoy this look at video game couples from 2021.Every artistic medium has its iconic love stories—Harry and Sally, Cersei and Jaime, Dexy and Eileen—and now that video gaming has been around for a few decades, it has established some memorable romances of its own. Of course, while we all got misty-eyed when John Marston finally went on a real date and proposed to Abigail in Red Dead Redemption 2 or when Commander Shepard and Liara/Garrus/whoever finally got space-naked in Mass Effect, those modern games have it too easy when it comes to love. They have writers and actors and actual stories that don’t involve getting getting points for eating a ghost or killing a turtle. But what about classic video game couples? What about the retro romances that have been around for years and years? Are Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man going to stay together forever? Do Super Mario and Princess Peach ever talk about their feelings? Are these relationships as two-dimensional as the characters themselves?That’s exactly what we’re here to find out. Now, it might seem silly or rude to criticize someone else’s relationship, but these characters chose to be in the public eye by being in video games, so it’s totally fair, for example, to suggest that a certain yellow circle with a bow should pack up her life and start over with a new Pac-Person.To determine the strength of these gaming relationships, we’re going to look at some specific criteria: How much time the couple spends together, whether or not they’re equal partners, whether or not they’re both committed to being together for a long time, and, finally, how good is their chemistry on a scale of one to five Legend Of Zelda hearts. (They’re just regular hearts, but this is a video game thing.)

Link and Zelda are eternally united by destiny—even though it’s not always the same Link and Zelda. Sometimes he’s a little elf boy who lives in the woods and she’s the princess of a doomed kingdom. Sometimes he’s a cartoon sailor. Sometimes he’s even a dog. No matter what, though, they’re always going to meet up and fall in love… though the latter usually happens offscreen, after the story has ended. Do they spend a lot of time together? One of the problems with being united by destiny is that there’s always an evil wizard trying to keep you separated, or at least that’s the case here. Fate being what it is, Link and Zelda occasionally get split up by magic forces once the story is over.Are they equal partners in the relationship? Link gets all the press, but Zelda sometimes does even cooler stuff behind the scenes (like being a ninja, a pirate, and the conjurer of a magic spell that saves the entire world). If Link wants to be a better partner, he should make more of an effort to share the spotlight—and no, putting her name in the title doesn’t count.Can they go the distance? Yes and no. They’re always destined to meet up, but they don’t stay together long once they do.Chemistry rating: ❤️❤️❤️He never speaks and she sometimes speaks, which is a good dynamic. Also, he seems endlessly devoted to her throughout all of his different incarnations, so clearly something’s keeping them together beyond the invisible hand of fate.

He’s the Mushroom Kingdom’s resident plumber/standing (jumping?) army. She’s its head of state, star baker, and most frequently kidnapped VIP. Together they constitute something like 60% of the nation’s entire political and military infrastructure, and one of gaming’s most prototypical “romances.”Do they spend a lot of time together? It really depends on where regular antagonist Bowser is on his usual love-through-kidnapping cycle. They do have an active gaming life, though.Are they equal partners in the relationship? Not remotely. She never says it, but everyone knows Peach could have Mario beheaded in a heartbeat if he ever crossed her.Can they go the distance? Thirty years and counting. Not bad for a guy who smells like sewer pipe.Chemistry rating: ❤️❤️It’s not great if you’ve been with someone for 15 years before they start telling you their first name. And although there’s the occasional hint of physical affection between the duo in the form of a chaste cheek kiss, the dynamics of the Peach-Mario relationship have largely fallen into a cake-based quid pro quo as the years have progressed.

He’s a blue-collar construction worker whose hallucinatory adventures in a horrifying world of ambulatory mushroom monsters are still years ahead of him. She’s a woman whose only real mistake was dating a man who thinks it’s sensical to keep a giant gorilla in a typical New York apartment.Do they spend a lot of time together? Even when Mario and Pauline were still together—before the trauma of her kidnapping by a massive primate drove her to seek her own path in life—their relationship was largely defined by distance. Pauline standing atop a construction site, waiting for Mario. Pauline standing atop a pie factory, waiting for Mario. Pauline standing atop a weird-spring-things-that-are-a-real-pain-in-the-ass-to-dodge factory, waiting for Mario. Are we sensing a pattern here?Are they equal partners in the relationship? Even if we ignore the whole “damsel/damselee” aspect of the relationship, it still feels like Mario and Pauline are at very different places in their lives right now. She’s a strong, independent woman who’s the mayor of her own city (named after the giant monkey that kidnapped her that one time, but still) and a successful musician, to boot. Whereas he’s still running around, punching turtles for money, chasing the thrills of yet another dinosaur battle, and achieving “growth” only through the application of experimental fungus.Can they go the distance? They didn’t.Chemistry rating: ❤️❤️❤️Is there anything more seductive than the siren song of what might have been? Mario and Pauline are both happy now, in their way. But sometimes their eyes might meet across the go-kart track, a frisson of intimacy once shared that can never be fully decoupled, no matter the years or miles that separate them. They both know, deep in their hearts, she’ll always be his 1-up girl.

He’s a yellow circle that eats dots and fruit and ghosts. She’s a yellow circle with a bow that does the same stuff but on more varied levels and with more interesting enemy patterns, all thanks to some guys who hacked the original game and made a better version of it.Do they spend a lot of time together? Have they… ever even met? It’s canon that the two of them are in a relationship, but the two are rarely in the same games. Even when Ms. Pac-Man does appear it’s just to worry about one of the Pac-babies, as if Pac-Man never even lets her leave the house. Are they equal partners in the relationship? Again, Ms. Pac-Man mostly takes care of the family while Pac-Man eats pellets and chases ghosts. Pac-Land would grind to a halt if she weren’t there.Can they go the distance? They’ve been together for 40 years, and it seems unlikely that Namco is going to make a Pac-Divorce game, so sure. But should they? That’s a totally different question.Chemistry rating: ❤️Ms. Pac-Man, you can do better! Put on those rain boots, get your Pac-Babies in the Pac-Car, and just hit the damn road.

She’s the designated healer of the medieval-but-they’ve-got-helicopters-somehow kingdom of Baron. He’s the nation’s resident Dark Knight and go-to war criminal on a quest for redemption.Do they spend a lot of time together? Say what you like about the inner dynamics of Cecil and Rosa’s relationship—lots of angsty late-night bedroom talks, ugh—but you can’t accuse them of failing to blend work and love effectively, battling their way together across, under, and above the entire planet Final Fantasy IV takes place on. (When Rosa’s not busy being kidnapped, at least.)Are they equal partners in the relationship? Eventually. Early on, Cecil’s gimmick as a Dark Knight is hurting himself to inflict harm on his enemies, with Rosa dutifully patching him up after each dramatic instance of magical self-harm. This codependent cycle gets broken after Cecil’s epiphany on Mt. Ordeals, though, with his new Paladin class even incorporating some of Rosa’s healing spells to take a bit of the burden off his partner. Goals!Can they go the distance? From here to the moon and back, baby.Chemistry rating: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️Rosa seems very comfortable sneaking her way into Cecil’s bedroom near the start of Final Fantasy IV, and the pair get married in the game’s ending. Sure, they eventually name the product of their union “Ceodore” in The After Years spin-off sequel, but this is a rating of chemistry, not “knowing which names sound good.”

He’s the little buddy of Donkey Kong, she’s what refers to as his “slightly older girlfriend.” (Weird yet helpful!) Together they’re a pair of chimpanzee-like characters who like to beat up evil crocodile dudes. They are not chimpanzees.Do they spend a lot of time together? They’re both the stars of Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest (not Diddy Kong’s Quest), and Dixie tends to pop up in pretty much anything that the rest of the extended Kong crew is in, so yes. Very much so.Are they equal partners in the relationship? Diddy and Dixie are a proper tag-team duo in DKC2, so that definitely checks this box. Plus, in Japan, Donkey Kong Country 2 was subtitled Dixie & Diddy, which is better than Diddy’s Kong Quest (not Diddy Kong’s Quest) in every single way. That means he gave her top billing even though he’s technically a more famous monkey! What a man.Can they go the distance? Diddy will always be second banana to his friend Donkey (heh heh heh), which means—unlike your Marios and your Sonics—he’s probably never going to sacrifice his relationship for his career.Chemistry rating: ❤️❤️❤️❤️Maybe it’s because they’re two of the only chimpanzee-type Kongs, but they seem like a cute couple that definitely has some kind of life outside of the work they do in video games.

He’s a semi-deranged, gibberish-spouting native of the Bismarck archipelago who spends his free time harassing employees of rival video game companies. She’s a generic damsel in distress with a design so horny that it was deemed too sexist for video games. Ruminate on that for a minute.Do they spend a lot of time together? Not lately, no; as mentioned above, publisher Universal reportedly objected so thoroughly to Tawna’s Jessica Rabbit-but-for-furries design in the first Crash Bandicoot game—where she mostly just hung out at the end of bonus levels, anyway—that they basically kicked her out of the franchise for the better part of a decade.Are they equal partners in the relationship? Although the folks who wrote up the original design documents for Tawna did their best to emphasize her “brilliance” in addition to all the PS1-era bandicoot T&A, Tawna pretty much exists to be an object for Crash to reach; you could get the same effect from an especially nice used sedan. Ironically, the alternate universe version of Tawna from the recent Crash 4 is on far more equal footing, being the protagonist of her own in-universe series of games… but seems to be keeping things entirely platonic. (We can’t blame her, see below.)Can they go the distance? Only if you count the franchise’s inevitable pivot to kart racing.Chemistry rating: ❤️ We ask you, readers, how does one have “chemistry” with Crash Bandicoot? (Please do not send us descriptions of how one has chemistry with Crash Bandicoot.)

Sonic is the coolest, handsomest, speediest guy in the world, hedgehog or otherwise. Amy Rose is a hedgehog with a big hammer who, like the rest of us, is completely obsessed with the Blue Blur. Do they spend a lot of time together? Lately, yes. If Sonic’s in a game these days, he’s gotta have his squad. Knuckles? Tails? Big The Cat? Hell yeah, it’s time to hang. And if Amy is also there? Sure, okay. That’s fine.Are they equal partners in the relationship? No. This is one of those relationships where it’s not totally clear if one of the people is even aware that the other exists. Amy loves Sonic, because of course she does, but he lives his life at such a high speed that he doesn’t have time to notice anyone around him. (Other than his bros, like Vector The Crocodile, Mighty The Armadillo, and Espio The Chameleon.)Can they go the distance? Sonic can go any distance at a super fast speed! Oh, you mean, like, will the relationship last? Well, in the sense that Amy will always love Sonic, no matter what he does, yeah. It’ll last. It’s kind of sad, now that we think about it.Chemistry rating: ❤️Sonic has better chemistry with Dr. Eggman. Hell, Sonic has better chemistry with an egg.

She’s a princess from a far-off kingdom whose major export appears to be extreme sports talent. He’s Mario’s shitty brother.Do they spend a lot of time together? Decades’ worth, at this point: Daisy and Luigi were first paired up way back in 1991’s NES Open Tournament Golf, where she served as his caddy. (A subservient role her modern incarnation wouldn’t put up with for a minute.) As the go-to beta couple among the Mushroom Kingdom’s elite, the two are now regular partners in the Kingdom’s apparently endless series of sporting events and party games, presumably designed Hunger Games-style to distract downtrodden eyes from its deep institutional dysfunction.Are they equal partners in the relationship? To be equal to Luigi would be to debase oneself. Can they go the distance? Technically, they’re not even “dating”; the Super Smash Bros. games call out news of their relationship as mere rumors. They seem very stable in their whatever-this-thing-is, though; Luigi presumably knows he’s not going to do better, and Daisy seems content having a regular tennis partner/doormat on hand as needed.Chemistry rating: ❤️❤️❤️Look, we tried really hard to stay away from looking through any extra-horny fan fiction while writing these entries, but rest assured, Daisy and Luigi fuck, and when they do, it’s super intense, and it’s super gross.God, why do we do this to ourselves?Alternate chemistry rating: ❤️❤️❤️❤️ It’s always the quiet ones, right?

He’s the champion of Earthrealm, and she’s a 10,000-year-old stepdaughter of interdimensional warlord Shao Kahn. Could they be any more different? Why, it seems hard to believe that the two of them would even be friends, let alone anything beyond that! And yet, like the woman and the cat said in that song: Opposites attract.Do they spend a lot of time together? Sure, assuming you choose the two of them as your fighters in a given match. Outside of actual Kombat, the stories do imply that they at least spend time together during their “normal” lives as well. As for what Mortal Kombat characters do in their normal lives, we’ll leave that up to you to imagine. Are they equal partners in the relationship? Absolutely. What says “equal partners” more than both of them being able to kill each other with fireballs or razor-sharp fans?Can they go the distance? More recent Mortal Kombat games have shown that they’re still together even after dying and then going back in time to when they’re still alive, so yeah.Chemistry rating: ❤️❤️That all being said, most of the interactions that the two of them have had are based on fighting, and not flirty Mr. And Mrs. Smith fighting. We’re talking about ridiculous, over-the-top “rip out your heart and beat you with it” fighting. So maybe this one also deserves more hearts? Or fewer hearts, because they’ve all been ripped out? Love is hard, we don’t know.