Up until now, we’d assumed that Kid Rock (born Robert James Ritchie) would make his dubious Senate run on a simple platform of “Fuck it, this is a thing that’s allowed by the Constitution.” His promotional materials haven’t revealed much about how he intends to represent his home state of Michigan either, beyond showing off hot women, beards, and guns. But Rock recently took his message directly to his potential constituents with his first campaign speech, which offered a glimpse at his deranged policies.
As Consequence Of Sound reports, Rock takes exception with such downers as social welfare programs and taxpayer-funded healthcare. It’s not that he lacks the funds to support healthcare for those less fortunate, but he’d like to see other people get off their asses, too.
It seems the government wants to give everyone health insurance, but wants us all to pay. And to be very frank, I really don’t have a problem with that, since God has blessed me and made my pockets fat. But a redistribution of wealth seems more like their plan, and I don’t believe that you should say, “Sacrifice, do things by the book, and then have to take care of some deadbeat milking the system, lazy ass motherfucking man.”
Yeah, why does Kid Rock have to do everything around here, like support colonies of lice on his head and disparage single moms? Read his lips (when they’re not swigging from some cheap whiskey): “We should not support these women who can’t even take care of themselves, but keep having kid after fucking kid! Of course we should help them out. I don’t want to sit here and sound like a jerk. But let’s help them out with child care, job training, and put their goddamn asses to work.”
But because he’s no misogynist, the so-called “American Bad Ass” also has tough words for “deadbeat dads,” whom he calls “ghetto glorifiers and gangster wannabes.” Rock swears he’ll “lock up all you fuckin’ assholes and throw away the key!,” because he seems unaware that being a U.S. senator won’t make him governor of Michigan as well. He wrapped the speech on a divine note, pleading with Jesus to “guide us with your wisdom”—the kind Rock assumes involves shitting on the underprivileged—“and give us strength to fight. To fight the tyrant evils that lurk here and abroad, and remind us all that we are still just one nation under God.”
The Joe Dirt alum wasn’t done making his political beliefs known to the voting public. He went on a similar rant on his website today, seemingly taking the credit (or blame?) for the renewed movement to remove Confederate monuments. Rock seems to think that people are taking exception with the Confederate flag because he proudly wears it, despite not even being a Southerner. Calling himself the “KING OF DETROIT LOVE,” Rock then dog-whistles in the key of Trump, excoriating the press and proclaiming his love of black people (in a post-post-post-post-postscript). Which surely means that we are now just months away from having a U.S. senator who says things like “Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy diggy” and “Has Al Sharpton even paid his back taxes yet?”