Sharknado

As we prepare to break for the Fourth of July, we are sadly reminded that, for all our patriotic bluster, our national infrastructure remains frighteningly unprepared for sharknados. For here in the summer season we are at our most vulnerable, as high-pressure systems quickly meet low-pressure systems and then meet a bunch of sharks, creating a shark-filled tornado that can level a town in an instant with its violent, shark-filled winds, and then the sharks eat everything. And yet, year after year, sharknado deniers—most of them in the pocket of giant shark lobbies—shout down any attempt to make serious progress toward addressing this obvious change in our climate, such as the alarming numbers of sharks that are suddenly in it.

So Syfy has prepared Sharknado—sort of the An Inconvenient Truth of movies about shark-tornados—in a bid to open your eyes. As we watch Ian Ziering be forced to partner with Tara Reid and John Heard to “investigate the ecological nightmare that has sharks swimming through the streets of Los Angeles and falling from the skies,” we see firsthand the devastating effect these sharknados have had in particular on America’s downtrodden and forgotten. We say, “There but for the grace of God go I, into a tornado filled with sharks.” We ask ourselves how many more times can this happen, particularly if we’re Tara Reid and would like to be in the sequel. And finally, we call upon our government to say there’s so much work yet to be done this Independence Day, to declare our independence from sharknados.

If you would like to donate to Sharknado victims, text “You were really great on Beverly Hills 90210” to Ian Ziering.