The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part 1 

After spending three movies bewitching a sparkly vampire and a fuzzy wolf-boy with her luminous scowl, the living grimace that is Twilight’s Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) finally commits to a life of necrophilia over bestiality in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part One. The new trailer for your 13-year-old niece’s most anticipated film of the year lovingly swoons over the wedding of several boring, bloodless lifetimes and the subsequent headboard-smashing honeymoon action. Then, since abstaining until marriage results in both spectacular sex and immediate procreation, the cloud of dust that living corpse Edward (Robert Pattinson) shoots into his glowering bride soon develops into a demon fetus that will spend the rest of the movie fueling interspecies strife and sucking up whatever lifeforce Stewart has left after four years of filming Twilight movies, to eventually emerge via the goriest birth sequence a PG-13 rating will allow. From the looks of the trailer, audiences will have to wait to see the result of the harrowing pregnancy and birth until 2012’s Breaking Dawn—Part Two, which stands to double the franchise’s white-pancake-makeup budget. Swoon.