The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part One

Is there anything worse than getting an invitation to the wedding of two simpering, dead-eyed bores who have made their biscuit-bland love affair the central problem in everyone’s lives, in both movie-land and the culture at large? Why, it’s enough to make a guy rip his shirt right off of his rippling chest and turn into a CGI wolf.

In case it’s not clear from the sturm und drang accompanying the reveal of a freaking wedding invitation in the new trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part One, the wedding of Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) is a BFD in the Twilight universe, but it’s only a prelude to the batshit-crazy that will unfold over the course of the two Breaking Dawn movie installments, including but not limited to (spoilers ahead, should you care): Bella getting fucked so hard she passes out, a literally spine-shattering birth scene, a grown wolf-man falling in love with a baby, and a climactic showdown where everyone kind of stares at one another for a while and then wanders off. Judging from this trailer, part one will leave most of that for part two, instead focusing on lots of wedding porn—The dress! The ring! The wall of flowers or something!—honeymoon sexytimes, and Stewart caressing her non-existent baby bump; so prepare for the high-pitched squealing that rang throughout the land when this teaser premiered last night to reach brain-bleedingly shrill levels come November 18.