What does your starter Pokémon say about you?

As Nintendo releases and —the latest installment in the most profitable media franchise on the planet—this week, it presents the gamers of the world with a familiar, but harrowing choice: Which starter will they take? Which of the three initial monsters that inevitably get foisted off on the games’ kid heroes by some random adult weirdo with a dubious Ph.D. will you bring along as your first partner?And while that current decision is focused on the latest new kids Sprigatito, Quaxly, and Fuecoco, it’s a conundrum that’s been facing would-be Pokémon masters for decades at this point. When presented with three adorable monsters (inevitably split between Fire, Water, and Grass types), which do you choose? More importantly: Why do you choose it? What does your choice of Pokémon starter say about you—not the in-game trainer you’ll be slapping ugly T-shirt and hat combos on for the next 60 hours, but you, the person holding that Game Boy or Switch?Luckily, the Pokéxperts here at The A.V. Club—well-adjusted personalities all, with maxed-out emotional effort values—are here to answer those questions. We’ve picked out 12 starters—a veritable zodiac—from across 26 years of Pokémon history (including all three of the new ones from Scarlet and Violet) in order to determine what they say about player personality types. And, as with any such astrological effort, we’re happy to say that the end results arrive with the utmost precision, scientific rigor, and sincerity imaginable.Now, let’s meet the Pokémon. And, more importantly: Ourselves.

The perfect Pokémon for anyone whose “mi mi mi mi mi”s might be better spelled “Me, me, me, me, me,” Popplio initially comes off as a harmless class clown, a literal trained seal complete with a nose shaped like a bouncing ball. Give it an inch, though, and it’ll take a mile—and your light, half your lines, and your big solo, evolving into increasingly diva personas Brionne and Primarina. Sure, that Fairy typing will help take down Dragon types in the late game, but it also tells the world you’re the kind of starry-eyed dreamer who knows that sharing the spotlight is a problem for the little people—not a bright, shining star like you. [William Hughes]

Some people get on the struggle bus. But you’re on the struggle monorail, doing loops through Sad Disney World, and wondering why someone won’t just pick you up and put you back in the water where you belong, without you having to really do anything. It’s not that you can’t do it yourself, as you’re fully capable of doing things on your own, you just don’t feel like it right now, okay? You’re sad, and like we all learned from , there’s nothing wrong with being sad! [Sam Barsanti]

Are you indecisive? Procrastinating on something by reading this list? Maybe just a Libra? makes for a great starter (albeit only in Let’s Go, Pikachu! and Let’s Go, Eevee!) because you don’t have to decide right away how to evolve it. There’s a delicious anticipation, a sense of endless possibility, inherent in this good-natured guy because of its design; not quite fox, not quite cat, cute but nondescript brown, Eevee is a literal blank slate for us trainers plagued by commitaphobia. And while most (all?) Pokémon are queer-coded, there’s something particularly resonant about Eevee for LGBTQ+ trainers: whether you come to identify as a or or someone who just , your journey is your journey, like no one ever was. [Jack Smart]

If you’ve ever sat someone down and asked them to watch a compilation reel of classic Vines, or if you’ve ever texted someone to ask why they didn’t react to the hilarious mid-2000s meme you sent them in 2022, then Mudkip is the Pokémon for you. There’s nothing wrong with Mudkip, he’s a nice little guy, but Mudkip-type people should just be aware that if someone says “oh yeah, I’ve seen that, it’s funny,” they’re actually being enormously polite, and you should thank them for their courtesy. [Sam Barsanti]

Hey there, champ! How’s that vanilla ice cream treating you? Getting a good chew on that “bubblegum” flavored bubblegum? Enjoying your time with Pikachu, the Pokémon starter for kids default-button-ing their way through life? Inspired by the Pokémon anime—and, admittedly, one of the legit cutest looks in the whole Original 150—Pikachu has become the most famous ’mon of all, to the point that Game Freak had to whip up a whole extra version of the original games, Pokémon Yellow, just to sate fan desire for the electric rodent. By choosing him, you make a bold commitment to making no bold commitments. Good for you, champ: Personal expression is a sucker’s bet. [William Hughes]

Sure, Squirtle is iconic, but have you met Sunglasses Squirtle? One of the coolest characters of this or any anime franchise, this little blue rascal would make an ideal match for extroverted Pokémon trainers whose boldness may be masking insecurities—a hard shell protecting a softer underbelly, if you will. Early in the animated series, the “” consisted of Squirtles abandoned by their trainers (how dare they??) who wreaked playful havoc on Kanto towns. That is, until their leader, pointy-glasses-wearing Squirtle, defected to join Ash’s team, belying its apparent DGAF energy. [Jack Smart]

In contrast to the above Squirtle, —technically a land tortoise, not a sea turtle—suits trainers who don’t mind yielding the spotlight, because they don’t need it. All Turtwig requires is a little sunshine, water, and love to make sure the adorable seedling on its head doesn’t wilt. It’s a precursor to the placid and sturdy Torterra, a molasses-slow land mass of a Pokémon perfect for the nature-loving zen masters among us. (I’m not sure what it says about me that my favorite starters are Squirtle and Turtwig; maybe I’m a type of a person, and that type is simply “.”) [Jack Smart]

Ah, finally: A Pokémon starter that answers the question “What if the caffeine-addled pyromaniac Cornholio from Beavis And Butt-Head was also surprisingly sporty?” Scorbunny (and eventual evolutions Raboot and Cinderace) are for the do-ers of the world, the kind of people who kick the burning gasoline-soaked soccer ball now, and leave figuring out what to do about it later to all those sadsack Sobbles. Because you know the secret, Scorbunny fan: Fire can only burn you if it can catch you. Consider investing in asbestos athleisure wear. [William Hughes]

How adorable is the fashion statement that is li’l bowtie? If you pride yourself on your capital-L Lewks, and don’t mind a little ostentatiousness, your ideal starter is a grass-flying-typed owl whose evolutions take you on a bonafide style journey. the hipster serves thrift-store-shopping vibes, while the bespectacled final evolution is so devastatingly chic it makes everyone around it feel underdressed. If you can relate, pick Rowlet, and get ready to make Blue Steel cheek-sucking your signature battle move. [Jack Smart]

Did you own a pony as a kid? Did you take vacations at your family’s lake house every year? Did the lake house have a name? Do your parents complain about people getting handouts because they built a successful career with nothing but their own hands and a small, multimillion-dollar loan from a family member? Are you wondering why this is a duck Pokémon and not a WASP Pokémon? If so, meet Quaxly. He’s perfectly friendly, he just doesn’t understand what you mean when you talk about having to clean your room as a kid. “Where,” he says, “was your live-in maid? Was she busy cooking dinner?” [Sam Barsanti]

You’re tough. You’re hot. You’re abrasive, but in a badass way. Maybe you have a leather jacket. Everyone thinks of you as their most awesome friend, the one who is always up for some wild shit on a Friday night. But come Saturday night? You’re on the couch, cuddled up with a fluffy blanket, watching Top Chef and crying for every contestant who gets sent home. In the introvert/extrovert dichotomy, you’re both: A huggable dinosaur who also breathes fire. [Sam Barsanti]