What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

Human wakeboard Ryan Lochte has his own E! reality show now, dictated by his meeting those tricky prerequisites of being simultaneously totally self-absorbed and totally self-unaware, as well as having accomplished something that has zero bearing on why anyone should want to watch them do stuff on a weekly basis. But the argument for watching America’s favorite big, wet puppy track his personal mud all across their clean TV floors lies somewhere within this four-minute trailer for What Would Ryan Lochte Do?— four minutes that confirm Ryan Lochte probably doesn’t know, because no one’s ever asked him that before. Why wasn’t he told there would be questions?

In fact, Ryan Lochte seems only vaguely aware of what Ryan Lochte is doing right now. Is he swimming? Is he crying about swimming? Is he going out the night before swimming, even though his coach told him not to in a not-at-all-staged way? Is he walking to go out in his Ryan Lochte shoes, which are demonstrably made for walking? Is he explaining his catchphrase “Jeah!” by asserting its “enfidence on that J,” or similarly advising you, “Don’t dooble-cate, just recipitate”—all perfectly cromulent words given the “Lochte edge”?

Is he spitting in his own mom’s hair for some reason? Is he hitting the singles bar with his can’t-miss strategy of “being Ryan Lochte” while delivering silver-tongued pick-up lines like, “Duuuuuuhhhhh…. What are you doing tomorrow night?” Is this really working?

The answer to all of these questions is, of course, “Ryan Lochte.”